Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Legs

I wrote the following a while ago, but did not get it posted until now:


One of the classic scenes in A Christmas Story is when the father opens his package, revealing the famous leg lamp. This morning a package came to my door. Excited to see what my parents got me, I opened the box to reveal two legs in high heel shoes. It immediately reminded me of A Christmas Story. My mom told me that she and my dad had found it at Fred Meyer and thought of me. She asked my dad if they should fill it with candy or tacky flowers, and he suggested candy. My parents ended up eating the candy and giving me flowers instead. I can't complain. I love the legs!

Monday, February 11, 2008

PIBB

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Sunday, February 10, 2008

Not So Gross Commercials

In accordance with my blog on gross commercials, I would like to pay a tribute to a tasteful and funny commercial for Trojan Condoms. This commercial features an attractive blonde in a bar surrounded by sweaty, dirty pigs snorting at her. One of the pigs pulls a single condum out of a dispenser and comes back to the woman, changing from a pig into an attractive man. The company's slogan is to evolve.

I thought that this was a clever ad because it put a positive light on the use of protection. Kudos to Trojan for advertising their product without being gross.

The Grammys: Amy Winehouse

I just watched Amy Winehouse's performance for the Grammys. Apparently, she asked the rehab center if she could leave just for the Grammys, and they said "No, no, no." She was allowed to be broadcast by sattelite from wherever she was at.

Her legs were extremely skinny in that skirt, and she seemed to be putting her hands by her crotch a lot. Her movements were awkward, showing her apparent distraction. She seemed a little bit scared, and I wondered what the withdrawals must have been doing to her.

However, I was excited when she wone Record of the Year. She had stiff competition, but I really like "Rehab." I was confused when Winehouse thanked "Blake, incarcerated" in her speech. Was that her significant other? Who knows.

Gross Commercials

Commercials for Personal Lubricant

Yesterday I saw a commercial for a personal lubricant. It had a split screen with a hand on either side, each hand representing the compeditors' brands. The narrator spoke about the other brands and how messy they were. Copius amounts of lubricant was then poured into each hand as the hands pulled their fingers apart in the sticky goo, demonstrating that these were poor brands, indeed. The advertised product was then lightly dabbed on a forefinger, and the narrator explained that the product was less messy than the others because it came out in a sensuous foam.

A Commercial for Denture Adhesive that Should Never Have Aired

Another commercial I hate is a commercial for denture adhesive. The commercial features an old couple making out in the back of a taxi cab and poses the question that only one of them is wearing dentures, but which one?

Male Enhancement Commercials

Need I say more? Also, I do not appreciate getting spam that offers to make my penis larger. I do not have a penis; please stop spamming me.

Feminine Protection

I will buy these products whether they are advertised or not. However, I do not want to see a demonstration of how a pad with a high absorbancy can soak up the equivilent of a large mud puddle. That's gross.

My Blog Will Now Be Advertising the Following Products...

I host Adsense on my blog, and no doubt the program will immediately scan my latest blog for relevant products to advertise. I will not block the scan of this article because I think that these are products that should be advertised and purchased. There is no better place to adverise these products than in a discreet line of text at the left of someone's webpage, and there is no better place to buy these products than in the privacy of your own home, on the internet. Or, if you are more brazen, like me, you can just purchase your feminine hygiene in the grocery store. But I am providing a way to purchase these somewhat embarrassing products that everyone needs without you having to watch those dreadful commercials.

Saturday, February 9, 2008

Saturdays

Today is Saturday, and I am working on homework. I couldn't think of anything more to write on an assignment that has proven difficult to me, so I decided to write on my blog. No one gives me a grade for the trash I write here, and all is good in the universe. However, I have plans tonight, so I only have a short time to write. I am going to an on-campus dancing event, and I have a potato heating in the microwave. The timer has just beeped on the microwave, and my Saturday evening is off to a great start.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Genie Magic

For Valentine's Day, I purchased a box of Bratz Genie Magic valentines. I decided that nothing says "Happy Valentine's Day" like a bunch of seductively dressed pre-teen cartoons. Now I can celebrate my holiday in style with girls looking seductively at me through their eyelashes. Their faces are covered with veils, and they have gold chains glinting around their tiny waists. For that special man in my life, I can send a valentine that says "I hope your Valentine's Day is a magical adventure!" This valentine features a blonde in a short skirt kneeling with her legs apart and a brunette standing profile, sticking out both her butt and her chest. That's enough to make any man break out into a cold sweat.

Forget the lovey-dovey cards from the relationship section of the store. These cost about $5.00 each, and they are oftentimes heavy and sickeningly sweet. Send your love something sexy in the guise of a children's card! The message is subliminal and will surely be remembered. Besides, you can get 32 cards for only $0.50.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

The Superbowl

So I had a superbowl with my roommates. One is an Eagles fan, and the other is a Steelers fan. They were both rooting for the Giants because they were "the lesser of the two evils." I'll have to admit that this was the most excited I've ever been for a game. The last four minutes really surprised me. Still, the party for me was all about the food: chips and dip, bratworst and saurkraut, and potato salad.

Monday, February 4, 2008

Joining the Circus

That's it; I'm joining the circus. After I graduate, I am not getting a 9-5 job, I am not working in retail, and I am not painting caricatures at a booth. I am joining the circus!

Saturday, February 2, 2008

Disney Songs

Facebook is a social network that I use to connect with friends from high school and college that I would have trouble contacting otherwise. Lately, Facebook has gotten a little weird. Now, I get daily invitations to join random causes, such as being a ninja or a vampire. I have just gotten another invitation on Facebook for "Which Disney Song Describes Your Life Right Now?"

I would like to respond to that invitation via my blog: No, I do not think that BYU is "A Whole New World." I do not want to "Kiss the Girl;" I don't like girls. I would just love for a shirtless man to pop out of a lamp and sing, "Never Had a Friend Like Me" because that's all we would ever be: just friends. Of course, the only man to pop out of my lamp would be the actual Robin Williams, old enough to be my father and having a full pasture of chest hair. All in all, I am taking eighteen credits, and, until I am done with my last final, things are not "Akuna Matata."

Superbowl Sunday

Tomarrow is Superbowl Sunday, and I am actually living with football fans. Last time I had a Superbowl party at my house, it was only because my brother-in-law insisted that we have one. We had never had a Superbowl party, and my mother made appetizers appropriate for the occaision. We didn't actually turn on the TV until my brother-in-law came and insisted that we turn on the Superbowl for our party. The rest of the evening was filled with shouts from my dad: "Home run! Home run!" and me: "Are the commercials on yet?"
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